


The One Where Everyone Knows

by fiveainley_ohmy



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Alternate Universe - Friends (TV) Fusion, Chekov just doesn’t want to get thrown out of the airlock y’all, Crack, Humor, M/M, Secret Relationship, The Peanut Gallery - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-02-29 10:25:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18776386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveainley_ohmy/pseuds/fiveainley_ohmy
Summary: Jim and Spock’s secret relationship isn’t so secret anymore...





	1. They Know

Ensign Pavel Chekov was on his off shift, and decided to go to Observation Deck 3, since it was usually empty, to catch up on some light reading. _War And Peace_ by Leo Tolstoy tucked under his arm, he strode through the sliding doors of the deck, whistling idly. Then his eyes fell upon the most improbable sight ever—his two commanding officers, Captain Kirk and Commander Spock, on the floor in the throes of passion. Kirk and Spock looked up at the same time, and the three men were silent for a long moment.

Pavel was not good at confrontation. So he merely bolted from the room, dropping Tolstoy on the ground.

“Ensign!”

“Chekov, wait!”

Pavel heard his commanding officers running after him and pushed his short legs faster. He made a mad dash for the turbolift and pressed the call button frantically. “Come on, come on, _come on!_ ”

The doors opened before him, but before he could step inside, two strong hands grabbed his left arm. Two other hands grabbed his right. Pavel squeaked helplessly as Kirk and Spock dragged him away from his precious escape.

“ _Please_ don’t zrow me out of ze airlock!!!!” he cried fearfully.

“Chekov, of _course_ we’re not going to throw you out of the airlock,” said Jim quellingly. “But we do need to talk about what you just...walked in on.”

“Uh...vat are you talking about, Keptin? I saw nozing. I svear. Nozing at all! Certainly not you making out vis Meester Spock.”

“Ensign,” said Spock firmly. “The Captain and I must insist that you do not reveal what you have just seen to _anyone._ It is of the utmost importance that no one knows that we are...involved.”

“You can just say that I’m your _boyfriend_ , you know,” Jim said. “The kid already saw you shove your tongue down my throat, I think we’re there.”

“So...ze two of you are actually dating?” Pavel asked curiously. “Because zat is...vonderful. Honestly. I’m heppy for you.”

“Thanks, Chekov,” said Jim. “But Spock and I aren’t quite ready to come out to the crew yet as a couple. Just please don’t tell anyone. I know gossip spreads on this ship like wildfire, but we’d appreciate some discretion.”

“You can rely on me, Keptin!” squeaked Chekov, saluting. “My lips are sealed.”

“And in return, the Captain and I shall contain our...activities to our quarters,” Spock added, cheeks slightly turning green.

* * *

Bones and Uhura were walking together to get some lunch, when they overheard the voices of the Captain and the First Officer around the corner. Usually it wouldn’t give them pause, but it was the low purr of Jim’s voice that made them stop and give each other quizzical glances.

“So we’re meeting up in your quarters tonight, right?” Jim was saying.

“Indeed. I shall tell my science team that I shall be busy doing paperwork this evening,” Spock replied.

“‘Paperwork’, huh? Is that what we’re calling me now?” Jim teased.

Bones and Uhura covered their mouths with their hands to stifle their gasps. They looked at each other. “ _No way._..” Bones mouthed to her.

“On the contrary,” Spock replied smoothly. “Last night I called you...” Then he said something in Vulcan that Bones couldn’t decipher, but judging by how big Uhura’s eyes got, it must be something either incredibly mushy or incredibly dirty. The two of them rushed away silently before they were discovered.

“Oh my God, _oh my God!_ ” Uhura cried once they were far away.

“Holy _shit!_ ” Bones exclaimed.

“How long has this been going on?!”

“What, you think _I_ know? I just found out!”

“Well I figured you must know, you’re their best friend!”

“They didn’t tell me anything!”

“Who didn’t tell you anyzing?”

“ _Ahh!_ ” Bones and Uhura jumped when they realized Chekov was right behind them.

Chekov looked from one to the other. “Vat is all ze excitement?”

“The Captain and Spock have been hooking up!” Uhura blurted.

Chekov’s eyes widened. “Vat? No zey’re not! Who told you?! I said nozing, nozing!”

Uhura gasped. “You already knew! Didn’t you?!”

“Vat?! No! I knew nozing, I svear!”

“How in the hell did _you_ find out before _I_ did?” Bones exclaimed.

Chekov sighed. “I valked in on zem von day on accident. Zey svore me to secrecy!”

“Oh my god...they’ve been having a _secret_ affair,” Uhura whispered. “This is the juiciest gossip ever!”

“Hey, you cannot go around spreading zis!” Chekov exclaimed. “If vord gets out, zey vill zink I blabbed and zrow me out ze airlock!”

“Oh please, Captain Kirk wouldn’t do that,” Uhura scoffed.

“Eh, Spock might though,” Bones conceded.

“Okay,” sighed Uhura. “We’ll keep the secret too.”

“Zank you!” Chekov sighed in relief, pulling them into a tight hug.

* * *

“Thank God it’s shore leave!” Sulu declared, dropping his bag on the hotel bed. “The Risan botanical gardens are supposed to be incredible. What do you say, Pasha? Wanna go on a hike with me tomorrow to take in the flora?”

“No zanks,” said Chekov, pulling a statuette out of his own duffel--a Horga’hn. “I plan to go down to ze beach and seek out a leetle _jamaharon_.” He grinned.

“That’s not a bad idea either,” Sulu chuckled, striding over to the window. Chekov headed into the bathroom as Sulu looked out and took in the view. “Hey, the Captain and Mr. Spock are in the room across from us,” Sulu said.

“Vat?” Chekov called from the bathroom.

“I said the Captain-” Sulu’s eyes widened. “Hey, Spock just pushed Kirk up against the window. I think they’re fighting!...Oh. Wait. No they’re not!”

“Vat’s going on?” Chekov came out of the bathroom.

“Pav, the Captain and Spock!” Sulu shouted in horror. “ _The Captain and Spock! THEY’RE DOING IT!_ ”

“Hikaru, keep your woice down!” Chekov squeaked, drawing the curtains.

“ _Why aren’t you freaking out?!_ ”

“ _Because I already know!_ ”

“ _You KNOW?!_ ”

“ _Yes, I KNOW, and Nyota and Dr. McCoy know, but no von else knows so you haff to be QVIET!_ ”

“ _MY EYES! MY EYES!_ ” Sulu screeched, backing away from the window.

At that moment, Bones came rushing into the room. “Good Lord, what the hell’s goin’ on in here?!”

Chekov sighed. “Ze secret is out. Again.”

Bones looked at Sulu. “Wait, he _knows?_ ”

“Zey vere, ah... _engaged_ across ze vay out ze vindow, and Sulu caught ze show.”

“Good Lord,” groaned Bones again, dragging a hand down his face.

“Hey, what’s all the noise in here?” Uhura said, striding in. “I could hear you all the way down the hall.”

“Sulu _knows_ ,” Bones said.

“Knows what?”

“That Jim and Spock are doin’ the nasty.”

“My eyes will never be clean,” said Sulu, shuddering.

“Oh please, don’t act like they’re not hot,” Uhura scoffed.

“Oh they totally are, _individually_ , but that doesn’t mean I want to catch my commanding officers doing the horizontal shuffle.”

“Actually, zey vere standing up,” Chekov added meekly. Then he brightened. “Hey, vait a minute! Enough people know now! Ve could tell zem ve know! And if zey blame me, ze zree of you can protect me if zey try to zrow me out of ze airlock!”

“Or...” An evil grin was appearing on Sulu’s face. “We could _not_ tell them, and have a little fun of our own!”

“What do you mean?” Uhura asked curiously.

“Okay, so every time they say they’re doing ‘paperwork’ or whatever, we’ll just give them a bunch of paperwork to do!”

A wicked gleam appeared in Bones’s eyes. “Sayyy, that _would_ be fun...”

“Nonononono, Dr. McCoy, _telling_ _zem_ vould be more fun,” Chekov said quickly.

Uhura raised an eyebrow at him (clearly a trait she’d picked up from hanging out with Spock). “How?”

“Um...ve could do it like a promposal!”

“What in the Sam Hill is a _promposal?”_ Bones inquired.

“It’s ven you ask somevon to prom in a flashy vay! Only ve vould be telling the Keptin and Meester Spock zat ve know about zem! Ve could...em...tape a big sign to zeir lockers?”

“Like in the gym locker room?” Uhura asked.

“Em...no, no. Ve set up balloons on ze bridge! And zen ven zey come in for alpha shift, zey see ze balloons and zen zey know ve know! No more secrets!”

Bones and Uhura stared at Chekov for a moment longer, and then Uhura said, “No, I think I’d rather go with Hikaru’s idea instead.”

“Same here, count me in,” added Bones with a grin.

“No no no, please! I can’t take any more lies!” Chekov moaned.

“Hey, _hey,_ little buddy,” said Sulu, putting his arm around the ensign soothingly. “Look, you don’t have to do anything. Just _don’t_ tell the Captain and Spock what we’re up to.”

“No, I don’t vant any more secrets to keep! I haff secrets of my own, you know!”

“Yeah right,” snorted Bones.

“Oh, you don’t believe me? Vell I bet you didn’t know about my veed stash I keep hidden in my qvarters!”

Everyone’s eyebrows rose. “You’ve been smoking marijuana on a _starship?”_ Bones said. “You know that’s not allowed!”

Chekov’s cheeks flushed. “I only smoke it on shore leave! Besides, blame Hikaru, he’s my dealer!”

“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to tell you about that...” Sulu rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s not pot. It’s oregano.”

Chekov stared at him. “ _Vat?!_ ”

“Well why did you think you got it so cheap? Real pot costs _way_ more than two credits per ounce!”

“You two are idiots,” gruffed Bones, face-palming.

“Okay, back to the topic on hand...how are we going to mess with Kirk and Spock?” Uhura said.

Sulu grinned wickedly. “Okay. Here’s the plan...”


	2. They Know They Know

A week later, the  _Enterprise_ was orbiting a new potential Federation outpost. "Alright, Captain, we're arranging the away team," said Sulu, looking over his PADD. "You in?"

"Ahhh…" Kirk's eyes darted to the science station where Spock was standing, bent over his scanner. "Actually, since this is a fairly routine mission, I thought I'd stay on the ship and catch up on...paperwork."

If one knew what to look for, one might have seen the corner of Spock's mouth curl into a tiny smirk.

Sulu looked over at Uhura.  _It's go time._

Uhura nodded. "Oh, uh, Captain?" She got up and dumped a stack of PADDs in Kirk's lap. "Starfleet wanted your personal report on all departments—the quarterly review."

Kirk's eyes bulged out of his head at the amount of work suddenly in his lap—both figuratively and literally. "Uhhh...isn't the quarterly review due next month?" he squeaked. Spock walked over, frowning at one of the PADDs.

"Oh no, sir, Starfleet Headquarters sent a subspace frequency specifically requesting the review by tomorrow morning." Uhura bit back a smile.

"Well then..." Kirk smiled unhappily up at Spock. "I guess I'll be spending  _all_   _night_ on the review."

"I can assist you on the portion on the science department, sir," Spock volunteered.

Kirk's smile became genuine. "Thank you, Mister Spock. That would be..." Kirk's gaze traveled over Spock's figure and back up to his face. "Much appreciated."

Sulu let out a snort.

"Something wrong, Mister Sulu?" Spock asked.

"Errr...nothing, sir. Just a tickle in the sinuses."

"I suggest you consume some Vitamin C at the earliest convenience." Spock turned back to Kirk. "If you will excuse me, sir. I must report to the science labs to oversee a project, but I will see you tonight to help you with the...paperwork."

Kirk's eyes twinkled warmly. "I look forward to it. Dismissed."

Spock nodded and departed for the turbolift. Sulu smirked.  _Time for Phase Two._ He nudged Chekov, who frowned disapprovingly as the helmsman got up from his seat.

"So, Captain..." Sulu leaned against the arm of Kirk's chair. "I was just wondering—oh, I see you're wearing the green shirt today!"

"Uh, yes! I am."

"Very nice. I've always thought it was flattering on you. It brings out the green in your eyes and-" Sulu "accidentally" touched Kirk's arm. "Oh, hello mister bicep! Been putting in extra hours in the gym?"

"Well, I..." Jim laughed breathily and looked down at his knees. Then he realized he was on the bridge and cleared his throat. "Er, Mister Sulu, was there a question you wanted to ask me?"

"Oh...I forgot. Guess I was  _distracted_." Sulu fluttered his eyelashes. "I apologize, sir, I'll be getting back to my station now." With a flirtatious smile, he slid back in his seat.

Uhura nodded appreciatively behind Kirk's back. Sulu definitely had game.

* * *

Jim flopped back on the bed, panting. There was a huge grin on his face. " _That_ was good," he sighed.

"I must concur," Spock replied, looking rather satisfied with himself.

"Mmmmm…" Jim snuggled up to his Vulcan and laid his head on Spock's furry chest. "I needed that. Released all the tension I built up after writing the review."

"I'm glad we have managed to successfully integrate work and carnal recreation."

"Gee, bowl me over with your romantic vernacular." Jim frowned thoughtfully as he remembered something that had happened earlier that day. "Hey, you know, I think Sulu was...hitting on me today."

Spock's eyebrow rose. "Indeed?"

"Yeah, it was  _weird_. He was all...eyelashes and arm touches. He's never talked to me like that before."

"Maybe you processed the interaction wrong..."

"What, is it so hard to believe a cute guy's into me?" Jim nudged Spock pointedly.

"Oh, now you find the helmsman attractive."

"You're so full of it," Jim laughed, swatting him. Spock swatted back...and then the swatting turned into enthusiastic kissing.

* * *

”Okay, Doc, you know what to do,” Sulu whispered to Bones the next morning. The two of them, along with Uhura and Chekov, were standing in the doorway of the officer’s mess, eagerly awaiting Kirk and Spock’s arrival for breakfast.

”Hawen’t you messed vis zem enough?” Chekov moaned. “Zere going to catch on and zen all hell vill break loose!”

”Just a little while longer, Pav,” Sulu promised. “Oh, here they come. Scatter!”

Uhura, Chekov, and Sulu went their separate ways and Bones waited by the doorway as Jim and Spock made their way up the corridor, chatting amiably. Bones couldn’t believe he hadn’t realized they were fucking before now. Jim had that self-satisfied gleam in his eye that he got whenever he’d recently gotten some nearly all the time now. And Bones had never seen Spock so unclenched—made sense. A man needs a healthy outlet for the emotions he stores up inside—and Bones figured that no man ever needed a outlet more than a Vulcan.

”Mornin’, Jim. Spock.” Bones said with a nod as the two of them approached.

”Morning, Bones,” said Jim brightly as they entered the mess hall. “Man, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.”

Bones smirked to himself. That was another tell. Jim’s appetite was always especially voracious when he’d had a bed partner the night before. He knew his friend and patient well enough. “Well, I gotta commend you, Jim. You look like you’ve slimmed down in the past month or so.”

Jim smirked at Spock. “Oh I’ve been getting in a _lot_ of rigorous exercise lately.”

”I can vouch for that, Doctor, as I have been the Captain’s sparring partner,” Spock added, a mischievous gleam in his own eyes as he gazed at Jim.

Bones resisted an eye roll. “Well, it’ll look good on your report, Jim. I’ve scheduled you for a physical tonight right after beta shift. And yours is right after his, Spock.”

Jim and Spock looked at each other in dismay. It was obvious they’d been planning another round of “rigorous exercise” right after they got off duty, just as Sulu had predicted.

”Gee, Bones, couldn’t you schedule my physical  _during_ beta shift? I’m wide open then,” Jim said. It was true, Jim was off duty during beta shift, and Spock was working. That would mean less wait time till he and Jim were both free.

But that would limit the cockblocking fun, wouldn’t it?

”Sorry, Jimbo, all filled up during beta shift. And don’t think you’re getting in and out so easily. This physical’s going to get _in depth_.” Bones smirked and walked away to an open replicator across the room.

”I’d much rather have you get _in depth_ ,” Jim muttered to Spock.

”Good morning, Captain,” purred Sulu, popping up at Jim’s side. “Just need to grab my morning cranberry muffin and banana...”

Sulu inserted his breakfast card and his meal materialized. Sulu grabbed the banana and started to peel it. “So, Captain, tell me how the review went.”

”Well, it took some time, but I managed to...” Jim trailed off, his eyes widening as Sulu _deep-throated_ the banana while keeping full eye contact with him. “Uh...” Jim cleared his throat. “That is to say...”

”I imagine it’s a task that’s easy to _penetrate_ for a man of your caliber, Captain,” Sulu said with a not-so-subtle wink.

Jim opened his mouth, but no words came out.

Sulu studied his banana thoughtfully. “You know, Captain, becoming a vegan is the best thing I ever did. But sometimes I really regret it. Like right now...I just have such a craving for _sausage_.” Sulu cocked his head at Jim. “You know what I mean?”

”Iiiiiiiiiiiiii...”

”I believe what the captain is so articulately trying to convey is that he would presently like to order his breakfast so he can arrive on the bridge for his shift on time,” Spock said pointedly, and if looks could kill, Sulu would be on a slab right that second.

Sulu gulped. “Yes sir. Well...I’ll see you for alpha shift.” And he hurried from there as fast as his legs could carry him. This game was becoming unexpectedly dangerous.

Jim whirled around to Spock as soon as Sulu was out of earshot. “You saw that!” he hissed. “With the innuendo and the banana fellating! He wants access to the Captain’s Log, if you know what I’m saying! He wants to take a jaunt down my Jeffries tube!”

”No...” said Spock slowly. “He _knows_.”

”Knows? Knows what?”

”About... _paperwork_ ,” said Spock pointedly.

Jim’s eyes widened. “Whaaaaat?”

”Yes, it is the only explanation. Somehow he’s found out about our relationship and is attempting to, to coin a human phrase, ‘mess with us.’”

”Are you sure that’s what it is?” Jim asked. “Are you sure it’s not my bulging biceps or my incredible, edible tushie?”

Spock gave him a mordacious look.

Jim nodded in defeat. “Yeah, he knows.”


	3. They Know They Know They Know

“Mister Chekov.”

Pavel froze. The Captain’s tone of voice was chillingly cheerful.

”Could we have a word with you, please?”

Pavel gulped and turned to see his two commanding officers standing by the doors to the turbolift. They did _not_ look happy.

_It’s airlock time, isn’t it?_

Pavel meekly joined Kirk and Spock and the three of them entered the lift. “Hold and lock lift,” Kirk commanded once the doors slid shut. The lift held its place.

”Chekov, Sulu _knows_ about us!” Kirk exclaimed, gesturing to himself and Spock.

”I didn’t tell zem, I svear!!!” Pavel squeaked.

”Them?” Spock repeated, lifting a dangerous eyebrow. “Who is _them_?”

 _Chyort voz’mi!_  “Ahhh...Sulu...and Chekov,” the ensign answered innocently.

” _Chekov_ ,” growled Kirk warningly.

”...and also Doctor McCoy and Lieutenant Uhura,” Chekov groaned.

”Oh my god!” Kirk exclaimed in exasperation.

”If you did not tell them, then how did they find out?” Spock demanded.

”It’s your fault!” Chekov burst indignantly. “If ze two of you vere zinking vis ze heads on your shoulders instead of ze vons in your _shtany_ , you vould be more careful and not get caught in your shenanigans by your entire crew!”

Chekov realized he’d just mouthed off to his Captain and First Officer and froze. “I’m sorry,” he squeaked.

”Despite your insolence...you are correct, Ensign,” Spock admitted. “We have been careless.”

”Regardless...the three of them are messing with us,” said Jim. An evil grin slowly began to form on his face. “Well...turnabout is fair play...”

”No, no, no, no, no!” Chekov whined. “Please, no more secrets, no more games!”

”On the contrary, I believe some _quid pro quo_ is entirely in order,” Spock said.

”And the mess _ers_...become the mess _ees_!” Jim declared gleefully.

* * *

Uhura, Bones, and Sulu were all gathered in the helmsman’s cabin, snickering and planning their next moves on Kirk and Spock. “I bet Jim’s balls are so blue by now, they look like they belong on an Andorian!” Bones exclaimed.

”And Spock too,” Uhura giggled. “Or whatever color Vulcan testicles are. Wait, do Vulcans even _have_ testicles?”

”Well, you should’ve seen the look he gave me when I flirted with Kirk right in front of him! I thought he was gonna wring my neck right then and there!” Sulu said. “We probably don’t want to poke the bear _too_ much. But-“

Whatever Sulu was about to say was cut off by a boatswain whistle—someone was calling him on the ship’s communication system. Sulu punched a button to accept the comm. “Sulu here.”

”Hello, _Hikaru_.” Kirk's voice came out of the small speaker, a friendly purr. “I hope I haven’t caught you at a bad time. I just wanted to tell you that...I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.”

Sulu’s mouth dropped open. “ _Huh?_ ”

“It’s funny how you can work so _closely_ with someone for years and never even realize what you’ve had in front of you all along,” Kirk continued silkily. “Maybe this is a chance for us to get even _closer_. Would you like to have dinner in my cabin tonight...just you and me? I’ll let you feel my bicep again...or _maybe more_.”

”Uh...let me check my schedule!” Sulu squeaked. He quickly muted his comm pad. “Oh my God! Captain Kirk wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!!!” he exclaimed, panicking.

”Oh my God!” Uhura gasped. “This is unbelievable! Sulu, you don’t know the power of your own flirting!”

”I can’t believe that bastard!” Bones added. “I know Jim is a bit of a tomcat, but I can’t believe he’d cheat on Spo-“ Bones trailed off. His eyes narrowed. “Hold on,” he growled, and stomped into the bathroom that Sulu shared with Chekov. He returned two minutes later with the ensign in tow. “You!” Bones barked at the Russian. “You spilled the beans!”

”I have no idea vat you’re talking about,” said Chekov, avoiding eye contact.

”Pavel,” said Uhura in a dangerously soft voice. “Do the Captain and Mr. Spock _know_ that we _know_?”

”No...”

“ _Pavel!_ ”

”They know you know.”

”OOOH!” Bones exclaimed angrily.

”I can’t believe them!” Sulu exclaimed. “They’re trying to mess with us? They’re trying to _mess_ with _us?!_ ”

”We can’t stand for this,” said Uhura. “They think they can just come in and beat us at our own game?”

”But they don’t know that we know that they know we know!” Sulu pointed out. “And Pasha, don’t you dare say anything!”

Chekov shrugged, completely clueless. “I couldn’t ewen if I vanted to!”

”Alright, Kirky baby...you want a date? I’ll give you a date.“ Sulu strode back over and unmuted the speaker.

* * *

In Jim’s cabin, Jim and Spock were staring at the comm with great amusement, waiting for Sulu to respond. “He’s so freaked out!” Jim cackled. “He won’t know _what_ to think now!”

”You can be quite seductive when you wish to be,” Spock commented with a smirk.

Jim grinned back. “I don’t even have to try when it comes to you, sweetheart.” He and Spock leaned toward each other for a kiss, but were interrupted when Sulu’s voice came back on the comm.

“Sorry about that, _James_ ,” the helmsman purred. “I’d be delighted to meet you tonight.”

Jim and Spock stared at the comm in surprise. Then Jim cleared his throat. “Wonderful,” he replied in his bedroom voice. “I’ll see you at 2000 hours. Bye.” He clicked off the comm.

”Mister Sulu certainly is fearless,” Spock commented.

”This isn’t chess anymore, Spock, it’s poker, and Sulu’s got a nothing hand. He’ll fold—it’s only a matter of time.”

”And if he doesn’t?” Spock inquired.

”Well then I’m just gonna have to sleep with him. I’m kidding. Spock, I’m _kidding!_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I know all of...three words in Russian, and that’s “yes”, “no”, and “bitch”. But the website I looked up told me that “Chyort voz'mi” means “Damn it!” or “Oh shit!” And “shtany” means pants. Sorry if I’m wrong! ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	4. Who Knows What?

Sulu exited his and Chekov’s bathroom in a floral print shirt and cream colored jeans that were practically painted onto his legs. “How do I look?” Sulu said, spinning in a circle.

Uhura stared at his crotch. “Well...you definitely know how to put on a show,” she muttered.

”I take that as a compliment,” Sulu said with a wink. “It’s show time! Ooh, Pasha, grab my cologne out of the bathroom! And Doc, bring me that bottle of Orion wine and a couple of glasses.”

Chekov disappeared into the bathroom and retrieved the bottle. Sulu dabbed some on his wrists and neck.

”You're not _actually_ going to sleep with Kirk, are you?” Uhura asked.

”Of course not! He’s gonna fold way before anything happens!” Sulu said.

”Then why all the primping?”

”Neets, I don’t dress to impress, I dress to _depress_. I wanna look so good I make other people feel like trash.”

”I still don’t like any of this,” Chekov grumbled.

”Just think of it this way, my little perogi,” Sulu said, pinching his friend’s cheek. “By helping us with tonight, you’ll be putting a quick end to all the secrets and lies.”

Chekov brightened. “Say, zat’s true! Okay, I’m on board! Here-“ He opened a button on Sulu’s shirt, revealing more of his chest.

”Now you’re getting it!” Sulu cheered.

Bones returned with a bottle of wine and two coffee mugs. Sulu frowned. “You on the other hand, could use some pointers.”

* * *

”Are you sure you want to do this?” Spock asked.

”Positive. That smart-alec is gonna learn a lesson tonight,” Jim grumbled as he combed his hair in the mirror.

”Do you think perhaps...this would be a logical time to inform the crew of our liaisons?”

Jim paused. “Do you?” he asked.

Spock didn’t respond.

”You are the one who thought we should keep it to ourselves,” Jim gently pointed out.

”Yes. However...”

Jim smiled, understanding perfectly. He came over and hugged Spock tightly. “You know, I’m really happy about our relationship too. I’d be so proud to tell everyone about us.”

Spock smiled softly into Jim’s freshly moussed hair.

”Okay,” Jim said with a nod. “No matter what happens tonight, we come out to the senior crew, and we file with Starfleet. The admiralty has never enforced the non-fraternization policy between senior officers anyway, and I doubt they’d want to split us up. The _Enterprise_ wouldn’t run half as well as it does without our partnership and they know it.”

”Agreed,” Spock said. “And if they do try to interfere, my parents will certainly have something to say about it.”

Jim suddenly looked nervous. “You really think your parents will approve of me?”

”Believe me, my mother chose you for a son-in-law the moment she met you. And Sarek will come around...in time.”

Jim chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck. “I guess that’s a problem for another night.”

Suddenly Jim’s door chimed. “That’ll be my ‘date,’” Jim said. “You go hide in the bathroom.” He leaned up and kissed Spock.

“You’re sure this night will be innocent?”

”He’s not gonna last! Now, go!”

Spock turned and concealed himself in their shared bathroom and Jim checked his reflection one more time. Then he went to the door. It slid open to reveal Sulu. “Hikaru,” he said in his most sultry voice.

”James,” Sulu replied.

“Come on in.”

As Jim turned, Sulu shot Chekov, Uhura, and Bones one last thumbs up before going inside.

“I brought some wine,” said Sulu, holding up the bottle. “Would you like some?”

“I’d _love_ some,” said Jim with a pearly white grin.

Sulu smirked and poured two glasses. “Not too much, of course. We both have work in the morning.”

”Of course,” Jim agreed. “Besides, I’ve found that too much ’ _provokes_ , and yet it _unprovokes_ ’, to quote Shakespeare.”

Sulu laughed nervously. “Who knew there were brains behind all that rippling muscle?” he giggled. He sauntered across the room with the glasses and handed one to Jim. “Well...to us.”

”Yes, to us,” said Jim, clinking their glasses together. Then they both drank deep.

Jim took a deep breath after he drank and put his glass down. “Well...music?” he asked.

”Ooh, yes,” said Sulu. “Maybe something I can dance too. You know, I’ve been told I’m very... _bendy_.”

Jim turned pale. “Uh, maybe not then.”

”Oh, you don’t want this then?”

”Oh no, no!” Jim said quickly. “It’s just...I wouldn’t want you to tire yourself out before the night’s over. Because it’s going to be a _very_ long night.”

Sulu gulped. “Oh good. I love a man with stamina.”

”Unless of course, you don’t think you’re up for it,” Jim tried.

”No, no! I mean...why else would I be here?” Sulu batted his eyelashes alluringly. “In fact, let’s move this to the bed right now!”

”No!” Jim exclaimed.

”Oh? Why not?”

”B-because...because I wanna rub lotion all over your naked body first!” Jim spluttered.

“O-oh yeaaaah,” moaned Sulu. “I’m into that. Why don’t you go get the lotion?”

”Y-y-yeah, I’ll do that!” Jim said, backing into the bathroom.

Spock looked at him curiously. “What’s happening?”

”I panicked! I told him I was going to get lotion to put on him!”

Spock glared at him. “Jim, if this is getting out of hand-“

”I’ve got this!” Jim hissed. “He’s so close to cracking, I can feel it!”

* * *

”He’s not chickening out!” Sulu exclaimed. “He went to go get lotion!”

”Ugh, vhen vill this be ower?” Chekov whined.

”Ooh, I got an idea! Show him your nipples!” Bones said. “Nipples are one of Jim’s weaknesses!”

”How do you know that?” Uhura said.

Bones frowned. “I’m his best friend, his old Academy roommate, his doctor, _and_ his drinking buddy. I know more about Jim Kirk than the dictionary knows about words. Here.” He reached over and grabbed Sulu’s shirt, and in one swift motion, his shirt was open.

”Oh my God!” Sulu gasped, looking down at his now bare chest. “Hey, you didn’t rip off any buttons!”

Bones crossed his arms, smirking. “Not exactly my first rodeo,” he said, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

”Isn’t zis whole zing getting a bit more adult now?” Chekov worried.

”Don't worry, they’re only _male_ -presenting nipples. They’re not sexualized like other kinds of nipples,” Uhura replied.

”Okay, I’m ready.” Sulu bravely thrust out his naked chest and went back in.

Jim was emerging from the bathroom when he spotted Sulu by the door. “Oh, are you leaving?” he asked eagerly.

Sulu turned to show off his chest. “Not without you, loverboy.”

Jim stared at Sulu’s pectorals fearfully. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen the man shirtless, but Sulu wasn’t drunk from the Psi 2000 disease or changing in the gymnasium locker room this time.

”So...” Sulu slowly walked across the room to him. “These are my nipples.”

”They’re...very...nice,” Jim squeaked. He cleared his throat. He was starting to sweat. “Well, uh. Let’s...get this party started. I’m very excited we’re gonna be having all the sex.”

”I’m even _more_ excited,” Sulu said, pressing himself up against Jim’s chest. “I'm gonna kiss you now.”

Jim gulped. “Not if I kiss you first.”

They fumbled for where to put their hands, and settled safely on waists and shoulders. They were nose to nose.

”Well,” said Jim in a higher register than normal. “I-I guess there's nothing left for us to do but...but kiss.”

”Yup,” said Sulu tensely. “Here it comes.”

With strained deliberateness, they moved closer and closer together. Jim was shaking. Sulu’s lips were just a hair’s breath away from his when-

“I can’t, I can’t do it! You win, okay, you win!” Jim cried, jerking away from Sulu.

”Hah!” Sulu cried in triumph.

”I can’t have sex with you!”

”And why not?” Sulu prompted.

“Because I'm in love with Spock!” Jim shouted.

Sulu’s smug expression was immediately wiped from his face. “You-you're _what?_ ”

Bones, Uhura, and Chekov filed into the room from the corridor outside, equally in shock. At the same time, Spock emerged from the bathroom, brown eyes wide and bright, mouth slightly agape with surprise.

”I! Love! Him! I! Love! Him!” Jim chanted, pointing wildly at Spock. Spock rushed over to him and pulled him into his arms. “I love you, Spock,” Jim breathed, gazing up at him.

Spock took in a breath, employing a mighty amount of that Vulcan control. “I love you too,” he said. Then they shared a sweet, earnest kiss in relief, and hugged each other tightly.

”Heh,” Jim laughed shyly. “Hell of a first time to say that to each other, eh?”

”Awwww!” Sulu sighed, heart melting at the sight. “I just thought you guys were doing it, I didn't know you were in love!”

”You’re so cute together!” Uhura squealed. “One’s tall and one’s short, one’s brunette and one’s blonde...why did I never ship this before?!”

Bones shook his head at his two best friends. “Can’t believe you kept this from me. These yahoos I can understand, but me?!”

”We weren’t telling anybody,” Jim explained. “We wanted to hold off on the gossip for as long as we could. Although, that’s clearly out the window now.”

“But it’s alright now!” Chekov exclaimed happily. “It's over! Everybody knows!”

“Well actually, Mister Scott doesn't,” Spock pointed out.

”Or Nurse Chapel,” Bones added.

”Or...any of the rest of the crew, really,” Jim said.

Chekov looked like he may start to cry.

”But it’s okay now!” said Jim quickly. “We can go ahead and tell the senior crew, now that Spock and I have decided to make things official with Starfleet. And I’m sure it won’t be long till word gets out to the rest of the crew too.”

Chekov sighed with relief. “Oh zank God.”

* * *

Sure enough, one week later, every crew member Jim and Spock passed together were giving them knowing looks. News travels fast on a starship.

When the gang had told Scotty, the engineer had just shrugged. “Ya, I know.”

They blinked at him. “What do you mean, you know?” Sulu said.

”I caught ‘em goin’ at it behind the warp core coupla weeks ago,” Scotty said plainly. “Figured it twern’t none o’ me business, so I let ‘em be.”

”Unbelievable,” scoffed Uhura, shaking her head.

Bones gave Jim and Spock a disgusted look. “Behind the warp core? _Really_.”

Jim shrugged sheepishly. “Big loud machinery is an...unexpected kink of mine.”

”I always knew your love for the _Enterprise_ went beyond Starfleet measures,” Bones tsked.

Chekov sighed, leaning back in his seat. “I’m just glad it’s all over.”

”Not quite yet, Mister Chekov,” said Spock, punching a button on the computer. “Mister Harris and Miss Ellis to the conference room, please.”

The two security officers appeared. “Officers, if you’d escort Mr. Chekov to the airlock, please,” Jim requested.

”Ha ha, wery funny, Keptin,” Chekov laughed sarcastically as Harris and Ellis pulled him up from his chair. Then they began to pull him toward the door. Chekov frowned. “Keptin? I get ze joke, now call zem off. Keptin? _Keptin!_ ”

Jim, Spock, and the rest of the senior officers began to laugh as Chekov was dragged from the room and down the hall, still calling out for help. Spock and Jim were holding hands under the table.

_**The end.** _


End file.
